October 6, 2010

I just had a miscarriage. I was so sick and so tired, then one day I all of the sudden felt great. No nausea, no sleepy eyes, just normal. Two days later I miscarried.

Preston was so helpful through everything. Weeks of helping me and the kids when I was too sick. "Dressing" and "doing Brynn's hair." Poor man was so sweet and patient with everything girl.

We were both heavily disappointed when I started to miscarry. I'm grateful we have each other though. I'm grateful for the few people who knew the situation that helped me through it. Thank you. It will happen when and how it is supposed to. We know this.

September 22, 2010

SO FAR:

I threw up 8 times last Saturday
Dry heaved on Monday.
So dizzy. 24/7

OTHERWISE:

moody minor headaches breast tenderness dreams frequent urinating

abdominal pressure cravings aversions everything smells

.I'M PREGNANT.

September 10, 2010

More often than not, the thought of having a baby (via my body) terrifies me. Last week I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about it. I immediately had a strong feeling to go to the Temple. That morning I went. A few things stood out to me in particular.

One of which was this brief, but moving thought/experience, "Rochelle, you are willing to do anything for the children you have here on earth; those sweet Spirits born to you as a gift from your Father in Heaven. Most mothers would do ANYTHING for the children
they have been blessed with here in this life.

Anything.

Everything.

You would give your life for your children. Now I ask you, what are you willing to do for the ones, your children, that haven't come to earth yet?
The ones waiting patiently--up here, with Me?'

This is something I'd never thought of or considered. Actively looking at my children on BOTH sides changed so many things for me that day.

I am grateful for the temple, for prayer, and for personal revelation.

Mid-July, 2010

The hardest part about having Preston gone is that we don't get to talk on the phone. It would at least be manageable if we could talk even once a day, or every other day. At this point I'd take once a week! Anyways, in his most recent letter he said that he's been thinking so much about having a baby together. Yup, me too. I sent him a letter via snail mail today confirming his feelings. I did of course put some conditions on it: 1) We have to meet with a Perinatologist in August when he gets back. 2) We MUST make it a sincere matter of prayer and fasting. 3) We need to have faith that we will be happy so long as we follow the Spirit, whether It confirms that we get pregnant, adopt, wait longer, etc.

I am so grateful for the two little bugs that I do have right now. They are so sweet. The other day I told Brynn that I felt nauseous and like I needed to puke, she responded, "Hmmm...yup, you must have a baby coming in!" I laughed so hard and kissed her cheeks about a million times. I just told her maybe sometime. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was feeling sick because I'd worked outside in the yard in sweltering heat for a few hours!

Then last night Cade asked me if P Daddy and I have a baby together, does that mean he/she would still be his sibling? I told him that while it's a half sibling it is most certainly a real brother/sister. He was pretty excited about that! It look as though every member of our little family is trying to patiently wait for a way to be made for another one to come and bless our family in whatever way Heavenly Father provides!

July 2, 2010

I've decided to journal all of the feelings I have in reference to having another child. With Preston gone all summer with the Army, I tend to spend lots of time thinking about it, but not able to actually TALK to anyone about how I feel. I figure that writing down my feelings is about as close as I will come to getting to chat with my dear husband. It doesn't exactly help that I'm also a tad emotional because I miss P so much. Before he left we decided that I'd get into better shape just in case we do feel the go ahead promptings to get pregnant. This involves eating organic, eliminating the junk, and working out more.

I've also worked on some stress management and relaxation techniques. I will say that I have gotten much better at that in the past few years. My dad has a quote. It's one of P's favs.

"For every worry under the sun there is a solution or there is none."

So simple and so true. If there's a solution or an answer, figure it out. If not, then move ahead. I just have to keep my focus targeted towards the end goal in an effort to make it easier.

I've spent the past several days with Caden at the park. He's into soccer now and obsesses over practicing. We made a deal: every day that he does his daily chores without complaint, I take him to the soccer park to run drills and skill enhancement exercises. Cade loves the attention geared towards his passion, and I enjoy spending the time with him as mom and son. We run together, do passing drills, ball handling, dribbling, etc...if anything I hope to get some great memories from this as well as train my body to better prep for a possible pregnancy.

I'm grateful for the time I have to reflect on my many blessings at this stage in my life. I have a husband that is willing to do anything for his wife and children. I also know that I can talk to my Father in Heaven about His plan for us. It's a comfort knowing that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father is looking out for us and blessing us beyond measure.

March 2011

I am pregnant.

Yes, I am scared.

However,

We have a wonderful team of brilliant Perinatologists.

We met with Dr. Tomlinson on March 28th. He is such a remarkable man. He and a few of the other doctors were with me when Brynn was delivered over 7 years ago. He is optimistic and hopeful, but doesn't sugar coat the facts by any means.

THE FACTS:

There is a 30-50% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia in this pregnancy.

There is a 20-30% chance that I will develop HELLP Syndrome within the pre-eclampsia.

Having a different biological father involved can help the situation, but it can also potentially make it worse.

I am on a specified dose of meds. Some have been proven to help with the rare syndrome. Others have not been proven. There is also a diet I can try called the Brewer's diet. I've been too sick to stick with it up to this point. We are researching more about it.

I've been nauseous and sick. I've puked plenty. I'm on Compozine during the day. Phenrgan at night. It's helping. It's not as bad as it was with my first pregnancy though. Thank goodness.

THE HOPE:

I'm being well monitored. I've had 3 Dr.'s appointments this month and one ultra sound. Everything looks good.

We have had some sweet and reassuring experiences, and I feel peace, in spite of the circumstances.

We did/are doing what we know we were/are supposed to do, and now the rest is in His hands.

What it basically comes down to is this, if I am going to get HELLP Syndrome I will get it. If I'm not, I won't. There are no guarantees. We knew that going into this.

Tomorrow I will be making this blog private, as I have been keeping a detailed log of our experiences over the past 8 months. I will be posting pictures and entries and the stories of prayers, fasting, miscarriages, and how I presented the 'news' to P. Even on video! As you can imagine, this has been a very private and long road, and will continue to be a very long road ahead. But I wanted to make sure that I got to share it with my friends and family. So, send me an email or comment if you'd like to be included on this blogs viewer list!